I stopped working.
I couldn't move my fingers.
This tingling/numb feeling went all the way down to my right leg.
Therefore, I went missing for a little bit.
I appreciate everyone who noticed my absence and reached out to me.
It means more than you know!
And if I haven't responded to your message yet, I will really soon.
But right now, I just need a break.
I need to take this time to reflect on everything that has happened in the past couple of weeks.
Well, I was in the hospital.
I was hospitalized for a week.
Better yet, in a foreign country.
Away from my family.
If you read my last blog, I thanked my neighbor.
For taking me to the hospital, the first time.
I kept going in and out the hospital, after that.
To tell you the truth, I was scared.
I had to no clue what was going on with me.
I was not feeling well and I was in so much pain.
Mentally and physically exhausted.
The doctors said.
It just felt like I wasn't really here.
And you know what, that's okay!
It's okay, because that means I'm not lazy.
It means I work extremely hard.
But it also means I was burnt out.
Burnout means exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration.
Overworked means to cause to work too hard, too long, or to exhaustion.
This is real.
Yes, athletes BURNOUT.
You see, when you're an "American" or "Import,"
you're supposed to be a freak athlete, unstoppable and invincible!
You're supposed to drop 50 points.
You're supposed to play 40 minutes per game.
You're supposed to catch 3 flights in one day, different time zones, and still be okay.
You're supposed to recover and bounce back from being in the hospital for a week, super QUICK!
Just because you're an American, freak athlete or because you're a product/good?
You're not supposed to burnout or EVER feel exhausted.
Like what do you mean, you're physically exhausted?
That's crazy talk, right?
Oh, that "American" must be faking.
Oh, that "American" is just lazy.
Oh, that "American" is just trying to get out pre-season.
This does NOT apply to everyone but I know this is the perception some may have of "American" athletes.
We aren't always seen as people, who can suddenly become ill.
We are seen as products/goods.
Lavar Ball has a point.
We can be replaced at any given moment.
If we aren't gladiator enough.
Well, I'm 125 pounds.
There's not a lot of meat on my bones.
9 times out of 10, I am doing a lot on the court.
Attacking the basket, diving on the ground, splitting the defense, bringing the ball up the court, creating for others, and scoring the basketball.
I am 125 pounds and I am a point guard.
I have to do more.
With that being said, I can completely see why I felt burnt out.
While I was in the hospital, I was on the phone with my mom a lot.
I would tell her my symptoms and what they doctors were saying.
I kept her updated, everyday I was there.
I was never left alone at the hospital.
Someone was always there.
Thank you Amanda, Marc, Natalie, Claudine, and everyone else who came to visit me.
I am very thankful for that.
But I am so glad my mom came out to see me.
My mom flew out to Europe.
Now, everyone knows a mother knows their child.
At that moment, when she walked into the hospital and saw me.
My mom saw me as a person.
She saw the fear in my eyes.
She saw her child.
Someone she knew.
Someone who truly cared about my well being.
She knew I was not okay and that I was not going to be okay,
sick in a foreign country, yet by myself.
I knew it but who would really believe me?
She's just tired, right?
Until I couldn't walk up the stairs or move my fingers anymore.
my mom and I spoke with the doctors.
After speaking with the doctors, it was best for me to go home and recover.
Again, going back to what I wrote earlier in this blog.
It's called BURNOUT.
This happens to athletes.
I was super weak.
I could barely walk.
Even the chiropractor said my body was worn out.
I also was mentally DRAINED.
I was no use.
You would think that would be enough but no.
I had to go through a lot just to go home.
If it wasn't for my mom, I would still be there.
In the hospital.
Staking up debt.
But here's the catch,
I was sick the entire time I was there, yet I had to pay for it.
I had to pay for my own flight back home to the states.
Well, thanks to my mom for helping me out on that.
Because my return flight was already booked in April.
No negation or assistance was offered/discussed.
But anyways, cool.
Keep it pushing, right?
You can always get money back.
But most importantly, I had a feeling.
I'm really good when it comes to knowing my money.
Similar, when you know long you can drive your car while on E (empty) before you pull over to get gas.
You just know.
Something told me not to spend my money.
Well, I couldn't because I was sick.
Plus, I knew the medical bills were going to eventually add up.
So, on top of having to pay for my own flight back home, I had to pay back my signing bonus.
To be honest, I was hurt.
I took it personal.
I felt like after playing for two years with an organization that I gave my all too, meant nothing.
But yes, it's just business.
Think logically not emotionally, right?
So that's fine, I did what I had to do.
At this point, I was more than burnout.
Since I've been home,
It's still a process.
It's still going to take time.
But what I appreciate most about this temporary part of my life is that,
I know, I CAN.
I can truly rest and recover.
I can get my mind and body back to normal.
I can take the time to reflect on everything.
I can take the time to cancel and eliminate people who are not good for me.
I can take the time to recognize the ones who are good for me.
I can also reflect on the mistakes I've made and figure out how to make better decisions.
I can take the time to focus on my business.
I can take the time to be creative.
I can take the time to educate myself.
I can take the time to figure what I am going to do next.
I can take the time to get right.
To be honest, I was mad at first.
I had a plan.
I wasn't supposed to be in this position.
In my head, I was supposed to be in Europe.
I was supposed to relocate to Europe and have a great life there.
But God's plan is seriously always so much better.
It may seem unclear, confusing and frustration but it all comes back full circle.
I've seen Him do it before.
He can do it again.
The comeback is going to be crazy.